We survived hose water

Oh, to be 1 and 4 and left in the backyard with a hose. My brother went into construction. I went into the FBI. I’m sure this somehow prepared us both.

I spent this week in Chicago working with a construction company as part of their 20-year running leadership program. It was an extraordinary thing to witness: a company that has invested in developing its leaders for two decades, evolving as the industry and the people do. During the last cohort, they included well-being in the program for the first time. It was so well-received that they brought it back for the current cohort, enhanced. I was there to help with this.

But my planning call with the program director didn't start with talking about well-being.

It started with talking about hose water.

I'd recently seen a t-shirt about Gen X being raised on hose water and neglect. Craig and I started talking about how we both survived hose water. Then we dreamed about ways we could partner to bottle water, brand it as "hose water" and make a fortune. But I digress.

It's funny, the things you look back on and realize you made it through. Nobody thought anything bad about hose water at the time. Now we wouldn't dream of letting our kids drink it. Were we more resilient for it? Probably not. I shudder to think about what was likely in that water, especially since it came straight out of our well. My mom just told me to let the hose run for a bit before I drank it, probably to wash the spiders out, which sadly flushed out the metallic taste I loved.

Hose water aside, we make it through a lot of challenges. They can strengthen us; but only if we reflect. That's the oft-missed piece in discussions of resilience. If we don't intentionally seek to learn from them, challenges and struggles are simply things we survive. It's a missed opportunity to build resilience. The key is reflection: knowing what you brought to a challenge, who was there, what you learned, how you grew.

The late Dr. Chris Peterson of the University of Michigan described this as "the ability to struggle well." When I first heard this description, it completely changed how I viewed struggle. I spent so long in cultures where struggle was hidden that I felt aloneness and shame in my struggles. Once I learned Dr. Peterson's framing, I realized that we don't grow despite our struggles, but often because of them.

I think of it as buoyancy. When challenges pull you under, as they inevitably will, buoyancy resurfaces you. Not by accident. Buoyancy involves individual preparation, team training and rehearsals, knowing your strengths and your team members' strengths, testing equipment, knowing the conditions, adjusting, and later, reflecting. It requires discipline and vulnerability to review what happened and extract what should be learned.

Most definitions of resilience are rigid, individual, and fixed. Organizations talk about building resilience as if the goal is simply hardier employees. That's one-dimensional, and only part of it. Dr. Michael Ungar from Dalhousie University, one of the world's leading resilience researchers, has found that resilience is part ruggedness and part resources, including your relationships. Your durability and grit will carry you through some situations, and those are worth developing. But at some point, your demands will exceed your capacity. When that happens, you need to know where to go for help. And when it's over, how to reflect, learn, and decide what to do differently and what to do the same in the future.

Those two themes – intentional learning and knowing you're not alone - ran through everything in Chicago.

I introduced the cohort to a resilience story. It helps you learn things about yourself, your resources, and a small sliver of good that you ultimately experienced from a past challenge. Because you will inevitably face future challenges, writing this story now will help your future you find strength and hope in whatever you're facing. It's a gift to your future self. Here's how to write yours:

1. Pick something rough. Think of a time something didn't go as you hoped.

2. Trace a line. Follow the path from that setback to some good you ultimately experienced, no matter how small.

3. Be vivid. Write the story as much as you can remember.

4. Notice your people and resources. Who or what was there for you?

5. Find what you carried forward. How did you grow? What did you learn? What did you carry forward that helped (or can help) you in the future?

   
   

The more vividly you do this, the more this story will help you in the future. You will face setbacks and failures again. When you do, you'll have this story to remind you that you are strong, you are capable, you can get through hard things, and you have people who support you.

The next time something pulls you under, you'll surface. You've done it before. You have, after all, survived hose water. Just watch out for the spiders.

Build the life you're working for.

— Sarah

P.S. Check out yesterday's Future Walk Podcast episode #12, where I share the Real STRength framework, which includes developing resilience. https://youtu.be/Ua8tgT7l3Tc