To Begin Again

This was supposed to help.

Rather than thinking all-or-nothing, just make the next best choice.

I love peanut butter. Like truly love it. And I eat a lot of it. Every so often I admit that I’ve been eating too much and decide to cut back. For me, peanut butter is all-or-nothing. When I travel I don't eat any, because I don't buy it. So, I temporarily break my peanut butter habit. That usually lasts until about a week after I get home, when I take one spoonful. Within a week, the jar is empty.

The spoonful itself is not the problem. The problem is what my brain says: "That was amazing, and I can't wait to have more. Now is a really good time." Then I feel defeated by my own lack of willpower, so I give in. This is a real issue in my house. One Christmas my kids gave me a spoon engraved with "Mom's Peanut Butter Spoon." Maybe they hoped I would limit myself to that one spoonful. It hasn't worked, and that spoon is always in the dishwasher. I just get a clean spoon.

So many of our habits and practices work this way. We’re doing well, gritting our way through, we have a slip, and it feels as if we are back at square one. We rebuke ourselves for failing and just give in.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We can learn to pick up where we left off by “beginning again.” That is easier said than done, but let's take a look through the practice of meditation.

I've been meditating for about eight years, and it has changed me in ways I never anticipated. One of the biggest is my ability to pick up where I left off. As a recovering perfectionist, when I messed something up, I used to berate myself silently and then forcefully start all the way back over, until I got it perfect.

Mindfulness meditation practice helped me break the cycle. In the practice, I use my breath as a focus point, counting my breaths one to ten. During this, I would inevitably notice my mind drift. As I developed my practice, instead of abruptly forcing my count back to “one,” I gradually learned to pick up where I left off, more gently and compassionately. My physiology learned to relax when I did this, and it carried over into my life, allowing me to let go of some of my past tendencies to force perfection.

Restarting is not the opposite of progress. It is how progress works.

Recently I restarted the Waking Up app. I did the beginner course some time ago and found my way back to it. In it, Sam Harris teaches returning to the present moment without judgment or disappointment. This could really be about returning to anything: your goals, your habits, the qualities you want to bring to the world. He talks about this as “beginning again.” The idea is that as soon as you notice you're off, just begin again.

This is different for me than starting over. Starting over feels punitive and judgmental, and I can almost hear a disappointed voice telling me “Again! Again! Again!” Whereas beginning again has a gentleness that I notice when I try it. It’s softer and reinforcing.

It can even become the practice that supports progress. Progress is rarely linear. In hindsight, it's easier to see that we learned the most in the dips and restarts, not in the succession of successes.

The gentleness I notice in beginning again comes from the mindset behind it. In Zen Buddhism, there is a concept called shoshin, or beginner's mind. It's about approaching something with openness, the way you would if you were doing it for the first time. An expert can believe that a slip has ruined a long record. A beginner simply sees what they've learned and the next choice. Beginner’s mind helps you see that a slip does not erase your progress. You still have all you've learned plus the benefit of fresh eyes.

That’s the mindset I now try to bring to a slip. I am not starting from zero, and I am not stuck with my past. I am a beginner with experience, seeing a new opportunity.

How you begin again affects your willingness to change, the effectiveness of your efforts, your ability to sustain them, and the example you set for others, including those you lead. So how do you treat your own restarts, and what do the people who are watching learn from it?

Whatever habit you are trying to build, whether it's morning exercise, lunchtime meditation, thinking before responding, or no scrolling at bedtime, it's easy to fall into all-or-nothing thinking. You miss one or two times, and it feels as if you've completely fallen off the wagon.

Here are three steps to help you begin again.

1. Move the jar.

Grunting your way through your desired change uses up valuable energy. Make it easier on yourself by changing your setup. For me, that means not buying the peanut butter or moving the jar out of sight. For morning exercise, it might mean laying out your clothes the night before or deciding on a ten-minute version for the days when a full workout isn't realistic. For bedtime scrolling, it might mean charging your phone outside the bedroom.

2. Separate the slip.

Sooner or later, you will slip. You miss your morning workout, and a story materializes: "I am lazy." Now your judgment of yourself is an added burden on top of the slip, and it sucks your energy for change. But the judgment is not the slip, and it is not who you are. Practice letting the action be separate from your identity. To do so, describe what happened in plain terms: "I skipped one workout."

3. Begin again.

Without the berating and self-judgment, beginning again takes less effort, and one slip can stay one slip. In mindfulness practice, you return to the present moment without judgment. That works for a habit the same way it works in meditation. If the morning workout doesn't happen, begin again with a walk at lunch or in the evening. If you snapped at someone because you were up late scrolling, acknowledge it, apologize, and begin again.

When you slip, don't punish yourself. You can just begin again. And it isn't only for you. Your restart shows the people watching you, including those you lead, that it's allowed for them too.

As for me, I'm traveling next week, so I'm getting rid of the jar while I'm gone. At some point, I'll be faced with this again, and if I take a spoonful, I will not label myself a failure. I will put the lid back on and make the next best choice, which is to not take two. Begin again.

Build the life you are working for.

~ Sarah

P.S. If you would like to hear this in Sam Harris's own voice, here is an audio recording of him talking about beginning again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raxOlaerYgE

You can also hear a clip of "Begin Again" from his Waking Up app here: https://www.wakingup.com/course/CO7C3B8B5